Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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