I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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