3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
