You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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