it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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