Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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