Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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