Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
