My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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