Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
