Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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