He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
