Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
