took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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