the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
