the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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