just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
