Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
