I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
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