Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
