I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
