oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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