I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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