So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
My day in three words: secret purse cake
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
