Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
