How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
