i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
