i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
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