Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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