mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
