My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
