I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Randomize
