come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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