Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Randomize
