if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
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