dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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