dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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