I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Randomize
