Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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