Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
