So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I smell like Dick and happiness
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
