i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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