Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
