i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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