he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
