when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
