did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
