I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
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