I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
