dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
