i wish starbucks made bloody marys
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Randomize
