hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I showed him my bush... on skype.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
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