She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
