Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize