I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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