so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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