Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
