When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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