I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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