It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize