I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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