I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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