You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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