Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I'm getting married
To pizza
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize