guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
