You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
