please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
