just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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